Uniquely Deep

A Struggle in My Mind

When your thoughts keep you from sleeping..

I couldn’t sleep last night.

My mind kept repeating words, conversations…one sided conversations mostly. Hearing words told to me over and over again, or conversations of previous days. Conversations that make me question things. I wonder if things could have gone better. What could I say or do better? I review words and their meanings. Some conversations just repeat themselves. Then my mind goes through an unending song loop. Even worse, it is not even the whole song, just parts. Then in an attempt to change the song my mind goes back to areas of my past that create distrust, fear and regrets. I turn over, maybe my mind will find a more peaceful thought. It searches through and conversations start again. It seems like an endless loop. A loop that kept getting louder and louder. Somehow, the most painful ones creep up again as I try to shut it out so I can rest. Yet, when you are tired sometimes you find yourself second guessing decisions of the past, or at least hearing things again you thought were all settled. Then your mind relives those moments of your past that hurt the most. One pattern I’m familiar with is when concerns turns into worries, worries into stress, then into doubts and then sometimes depression takes hold. It is too familiar… a route I refuse take. A route I have fought against.

So I find myself praying and asking God for help. I let my prayers replace the loop of frustration within me. I try to find a way into a peaceful state of mind, to find the happy recollections of life. Remembering the good memories temporarily erases the bad. It is hard sometimes to get the mind to focus on the good and just stop the endless loop of thought and find rest. Rest is so necessary to put to sleep the negative thoughts and memories so they do not find their way into my heart.

In the middle of it all, I am reminded that life, much less my calling, is not easy. What I do is one of the hardest things to do in the world. Being a minister means having to always be willing to give, always willing to forgive, to love when there is no love in return, to extend grace when none is extended to you. It means always being willing to sacrifice yourself. What could be a huge blessing full of joy, love, hope and gratefulness to often becomes a painful, difficult task. The enemy knows this. He tries to force upon you doubts, fears, pain and self loathing. He forces memories to make you doubt your calling, to question whether you heard God correctly. He forces doubts, and “what if’s.” What if I was misunderstood? What if things do not get better? What if something goes wrong tomorrow? What if…? He forces it, because he knows their are lies or weaknesses in your past to exploit. And I know it well. So I find it hard to sleep peacefully. He is good at what he does, that Accuser. The question is, am I going to see the lies for what they are and be strong enough to dismiss them?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6
“..I need GOD..”

But I am not strong enough…

…not on my OWN…

…I need GOD!

I am reminded of Who God is and Who He has called me to be. I am reminded that He is MY GOD. This amazing God who created the world and me, only to keep transforming me even more to His liking. He is a God so powerful that He can bring the earth to a standstill, move mountains and stop the flow of water with a word. Yet, He is a God who cradles me, wipes my tears and holds me tight and whispers, “You are my child. Everything will be alright, TRUST ME.” He is the God who sent His son to die for me and make me whole again. Who saw the pain years, years ago and erased it. Who saw the brokenness and sins and made me whole and forgiven. Who lifted me up from the “shallow love” to an amazing overwhelming one. So amazing and so powerful that it consumes me. A God who comes in the form of the Holy Spirit to fully change me, transform me, guide me, and make me more like Him daily. Who teaches me to love like HE loves. To see the people the way He sees them, through His eyes and His heart. A God who never gives up on me. Who goes before me, beside me and carries me. This is the God I serve, the one I LOVE the one I said “Yes” to many, many years ago.

I am reminded that it is GOD who called me, for a reason that I still have yet to discover, but it doesn’t matter because He knows it. I am reminded that TRUSTING in HIM is my only power over the enemy and all his lies and accusations. God can reveal the TRUTH and all I have to do is listen to Him. I am in need to be reminded not to “lean on my own knowledge” but in God’s, reminded that the thoughts in my head are not truths just distractions. I need to be reminded that throughout my past GOD has sustained me and He has carried me through. I can find peace in HIM. So I pray, a long prayer, it gently rocks me and leads me to rest. I finally sleep.

In the morning I sit with my coffee. As I ascertain the thoughts of the night before, I realize that there is nothing there to bother with. For I have learned that God’s amazing grace shatters the barriers of distrust, worries and lies that the enemy has created. That His LOVE conquers any doubt. His TRUTH strengthens any weakened resolved. Knowing that if I Stand Firm, my GOD is FAITHFUL and He will do it. ” Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” – 1 Cor. 15:58. I will not be afraid, I will not fear for I will not only be steadfast but I will TRUST God. (Psalm 112:6-8a) I am grateful that I have such an AWESOME GOD who sees me. Who sees this unique person, that may be little and insignificant to many, but is so SIGNIFICANT to HIM.

In the meantime I will HOPE in God who will grant me peace. I will not give in to the “what if’s..” of life. I will find rest and peace in God and in GOD alone. And those nights that I find myself tossing and turning, reviewing events, conversations, decisions and all… I will not be weakened by them. I will pray and find rest in God. For my HOPE is in GOD and my PEACE is found in HIM. I will sleep knowing that HE is by my side and in my heart and that struggling uniquely MIND of mine.

And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:7
Uniquely Inspirational

The Struggle with Patience

My daughter is so trying my patience.

Yep!! She won’t tell me if she is having a boy or a girl. What is a mother to do?? After all, she got her ultrasound several days ago and she is MAKING me WAIT until Sunday! That’s like.. almost a WHOLE week! Come on! You only need to open that silly envelope and flash it to the laptop camera…I WONT TELL!

The reality is that I was not born a patient person. I was the 4 year old that could be told “you can have one whole bag of M&M’s if you will only sit in front of a bowl of them for 5 minutes without touching any.” Somehow after trying every possible way to patiently wait for my whole bag, including sitting on my hands, I was done for within 3 minutes, maybe even 2. I could only WAIT so long. My body could only sit still for so long.

It has been very difficult to just learn the art of patience. Growing up, I really do believe, that my dad would have some twisted satisfaction in teaching patience. He purposefully would make me stand there, waiting for Him, to give me permission to talk. Just so I can ask him if I can go to Yvette’s house to play. If I wouldn’t wait, the answer would be “No, you weren’t patient and interrupted me.” The last thing I wanted to do was to get him mad. So I waited, waited and waited until my mind and body wanted to explode. So I would wait the only way I could think of, keeping my mind busy with my imagination. I imagined all that we would do if Yvette would come over, but just so Daddy wouldn’t forget my presence, I would grab his hand. I would find myself playing with my fingers then, swinging his hand, then his arm. The LONGEST 2-3 minutes of my life.

His explanation to me in life was that Patience would teach me maturity. Yeah right…. like maturity would happen…. I hated patience. If patience was a girl, she would be the one I would have avoided. I wanted the answers then and there. I wanted to solve issues then and there. I wanted to enjoy life then and there. No time to WAIT. WAITING was just a WASTE of TIME. I had better things to do in LIFE than to WAIT.

Patience is like a tree, it grows slowly but strong. —Photo by Gelgas on Pexels.com

As life goes on, patience seems to test me. I think I learned it better during my teen and college years. I had to WAIT a lot then. I had to WAIT in the offices, in lines and in the classroom. I had to WAIT for financial aid to tell me if I got my scholarships. I had to WAIT for my professors to grade my papers. I had to WAIT for companies to get back to me during Job search. I had to WAIT for the cute guy to finally ask me out… Well you get it. I was literally FORCED to have patience. I found myself talking to strangers, reading or just studying. But it wasn’t enough. I was antsy constantly. Yes me. So I finally did the only thing I could think of, I prayed: “Lord, teach me to be patient.”

Sometimes patience calls for us to do something for someone else.

I found myself asking GOD to work on my patience daily. So much so that I got a bumper sticker on my car and a key chain (which I still carry) that reads, “Be patient, God isn’t finished with me yet.” Though I had learned to distract myself in the process to make it easier, I still felt anxious. Patience became that companion that always follows you, but you really don’t want. Through scripture I figured that the only way I could conquer the lack of patience was prayer. I then learned that patience was not just a sign of maturity but a lifestyle, a needed character trait, and as I grew in my FAITH, I found that it became more and more part of me. Soon patience changed from a necessity, to an everyday pouring out occurrence. It flowed out as part of a new me. That prayer had become a daily prayer until one day the Holy Spirit just increased my PATIENCE as He did my LOVE for people, my HOPE, my KINDNESS… well, it turns out, it was part of my lack of SELF-CONTROL.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”

Galatians 5:22-23

All of a sudden, half-way through college I realized that my dad was not talking about human maturity, (This is a good thing, because I was failing there), but CHRISTIAN maturity as growth and the process of sanctification. Then, all the pieces started falling together, and I found out that patience was somehow becoming part of a trait that I never knew I had. Yet, I had to practice it. I had to realize that even though I hated being patient, I could do it because the Holy Spirit helped me.

God knew my weakness, and so He gave me 3 girls, a ministry that constantly ministers to kids and teens, and guess what? I had no choice than to be… you guessed it… PATIENT. It seems that if you are not very patient, the best way to practice patience is having kids, ministering to kids and working with them. The trait that I lacked, God increased it and moved it into a fruit that I have to use constantly. I could not have done it without the transformation and the power of the Holy Spirit. All because one day I went to my knees and said. “LORD, I WANT MORE OF YOU!! I NEED MORE OF YOU! THERE HAS GOT TO BE MORE.. I WANT MORE OF YOU.”

Finding something fun to do while others shop.

The uniqueness of having patience teaches us to be more creative, more imaginative and helps us do more. How else are we to kill the time in line, at the doctors office and so on. We wind up having to learn to use our time more wisely. We meet people, learn more by reading, spend time with our kids, you know, to keep them out of trouble, and so on. Patience teaches us to extend patience to those who don’t have it. It helps us understand others and in turn we learn to be kind, especially when they aren’t being patient. We learn to be Christlike with others, by being patient with them. Patience teaches us those unique values, like peacefulness, kindness, loving, compassionate and more. We learn to overcome difficulties, endurance and more. But most of all, we learn to depend on God.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Collossians 3:12

Today, I wait.. and WAIT for the day my oldest daughter and her hubby to do this crazy modern thing called, “Reveal Party.” Whatever that is.. until then, I keep myself distracted, occupied and, well.. you know: Praying for patience 😉 Knowing that in the end, regardless, I will be EXCITED. One more unique little gal or little guy to add to my heart! I’m so excited!! So patience is not so bad after all… unless… it is a girl and they name her “Patience”… :O nah…they wouldn’t…would they???